Baby’s First Immunizations

My daughter, Peanut, celebrated two months on this planet this week with her first major rite of passage. She had her first series of vaccinations today – DTaP (diptheria, tetanus, whooping cough), IPV (polio), Hib (bacterial infections), and Pneumococcal. And, yes, just as all the parenting articles state, it is just as big of a deal for the parents. It truly felt like a first rite of passage into parenthood for us too. We make small decisions every day for her – what diapers, how many baths, which toys, but this felt so much bigger.

There is so much controversy around vaccinations. My sister likens it to politics. It is that heated of a topic for some parents. We did our due diligence. I listened to my friends. I read about what vaccinations are given in The Netherlands and when as compared to the U.S. and throughout Europe. For me, it was not so much a matter of if my child would get this first series of vaccinations. They do not include the hotly debated MMR ‘autism’ shot. It was a matter of how I would help little Peanut deal with getting two injections.

I read all about what a child’s reactions can be, what is normal, what is not normal, and when to call the doctor. I asked every parent I know with young children about their experience and what seemed to help. I talked Peanut through what was going to happen. I kept repeating the story and adjusting it until my throat didn’t catch with fear. My baby was going to be in the worst pain of her life to date and I would be responsible.

In The Netherlands, the vaccinations are free and optional. Well, they are about as optional as a rain coat is here. You can choose not to get the vaccinations, but your son or daughter will be hounded for the rest of childhood about it and your child probably will not be able to attend day care or school without them.

I really had to make a point in the past few days to keep vaccinations in perspective and see them in a positive light. For starters, statistically, this series of vaccinations is highly effective and safe to even two month old children. Secondly, the government provides them for free. It is a great service and a great opportunity for all children. I reminded myself that I too had vaccinations. I do not remember my childhood immunizations and I only vaguely remember the pain and fatigue I experienced after the series I received a few years ago prior to travelling to Asia.

I told myself that these will be as big of a deal for Peanut as I make of them. Probably 99% of a child’s reaction is pure chance and circumstance, but I truly believe that at least part of a child’s reaction to an adverse or even positive situation is how a parent reacts. I think they can even sense a parent’s trepidation in voice inflections, facial expressions and muscle tension. Every muscle in my body tensed, though, when I saw the pain recognition register on Peanut’s face when that first shot went into her fat little thigh. My heart broke.

I held my breath, closed my eyes and softly pressed my forehead next to her’s as the nurse stomped on my heart as she gave Peanut her second shot in her other thigh. Peanut’s little hands were wrapped around my index fingers and turning bright red like the rest of her body. Her screams hit an octave I have never heard before nor hope to ever hear again. I put my face next to her’s and made loud ‘shh’s’ sounds in her ear to try to calm her. She couldn’t hear me.

Finally, probably seconds later, the nurse put Peanut in my arms signalling it was all over. We both relaxed immediately. Peanut’s crying persisted, but went down several octaves. I repeated, “It’s over, Peanut. Everything is going to be okay. It’s all over now. It’s all over now.”

Peanut had been examined by the nurse while laying on a long desk. The nurse sat across from me during the appointment while Peanut laying horizontally across the desk. For the vaccinations, the nurse had turned Peanut’s body so it was positioned vertically. I was at Peanut’s head and out of her sight. The nurse was at Peanut’s feet. I was really relieved for this. As strange as it sounds, I did not want to be looking into my daughter’s eyes as she got the injections. I did not want her in the slightest way to associate me with pain. She can look at that nice nurse all she wants and think, “You horrible witch! How dare you inflict pain on a baby?”

I understand. It took several minutes of rational self-talk to remind myself not to think the same thing. I just do not want my daughter to think that of me…not yet. I am sure the day will come, but I didn’t want it to be today.

It has now been four hours since the vaccinations. I know the side effects can rear their ugly head for up to 48 hours, but, for now, Peanut is sleeping soundly. Except for a quick feed, she has been asleep on my chest in her baby carrier ever since. Some friends told me she may be clingy for a day or so. I don’t mind. I love leaning my head forward, kissing the top of her head, and breathing in that intoxicating baby smell. I don’t think I will ever get the image out of my head, though, of watching the terror fill Peanut’s eyes in recognition of the pain each needle caused her. I can’t help, but feel guilty.

Image by Stevendepolo