Stranger Danger: My Toddler Is Afraid Of You

I am in possession of a reserved kid.

Or rather, she’s in possession of my hemline whenever a stranger is around.

A “stranger,” by the way, is defined in Nora Vernacular as either a) a legitimate individual whom she does not know, b) a friend or family member whom she hasn’t seen in longer than a month, and c) someone she perceives to be A Babysitter.

I hesitate to use the term “shy,” since she really doesn’t have an issue with telling said strangers her life story within twenty minutes of meeting them…but those twenty minutes can seem like an eternity to someone who finds Nora’s inability to jump straight into their arms offensive.

She’s been wary of newcomers since she was an infant, as improbable as that sounds- and believe me, we were in that school of thought as well. After ten years of being a nanny, I was accustomed to little kids not knowing or caring who was hefting them around. Her initial fussiness with others could be attributed to colic- except for the fact that she exhibited no other signs of such when she was with my husband or me or during any other part of the day.

As she got older, it became an acceptable “stage” for a cruising baby. “Oh, she just has stranger anxiety,” people would tell me, like it was a new- and fleeting- phase.

And even now that she’s closing in on her second birthday, it shows no signs of slowing.

All along, I’ve been keeping her pediatrician apprised of her reservations with anyone new. (Or new-ish.) Since he is one of the most patient, easy-going doctors I’ve ever met- a great skill for a first time parent’s doctor to have, by the by- he consistently reminds me of the things she really, really does like. Sleeping through the night, for one. Eating every food at every meal, regardless of how new or crazy looking. Playing independently for good chunks of the day.

Yeah, yeah. But what should we do? (Because first time parents are Fixers.)

Do what you’re doing, he told me. (Again and again and again.) Love her. Reassure her. Don’t coddle her- but if she has a fear, it’s legitimate. When she warms up to people (as inevitably will happen), praise her. But under no circumstances apologize or make excuses as to her behavior. (Think about it: If you went to a cocktail party and knew no one but the host, would you immediately hug everyone? Oh God, and can you imagine if the host insisted upon it?) And sometimes- when you really have to- foist her into someone’s [trusted] arms and walk away for a few moments. She’ll scream and cry and fuss for a moments…but then be fine.

And he’s right. (Why are they always right?)

Besides, it can be a hugely scary world out there. And I’m betting that there will come a day when I’ll take solace in the fact that she’s not jumping directly into the ice cream man’s truck.

And then- soon thereafter- she’ll be a teenager. And will want nothing to do with the room in which I’m standing.

This works for now.

Image: VinothChandar