Dave Barry once wisely offered this statement: You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
This is good advice. Unfortunately, it is often completely ignored by well-meaning strangers who have the tandem desire to tell you how little weight they gained during their own pregnancies. (Insult to injury: You think I’m chubby and you possess the freakish talent of losing weight while carrying a life to term? Of course I wish to continue talking to you!)
As someone who has both a) been pregnant twice and b) had a few more years of the Freshman Fifteen weight gain than was socially acceptable, I can attest that some gals just gain weight in the middle. For a really long time. And it can look like the second trimester of a pregnancy.
Especially once someone’s in the third trimester, it’s fairly obvious who’s pregnant and who’s just a little chunky. But why take that chance? What if she just has an unfortunate person-shaped protrusion, complete with a miniature foot outline sticking due west from her abdomen? Better to be safe.
A friend once had the horrifically embarrassing moment of asking a cocktail waitress whether she was concerned about the effects of working in such a smoky environment while pregnant. As it turns out, she wasn’t concerned at all. Because she wasn’t pregnant. My friend then got to do the awkward dance of pretending he didn’t just call someone fat.
That said, my husband has begun offering seats to women on the train that he believes are with child- and sometimes, he believes that they all are. But this couldn’t hurt. I’m pretty sure no one ever got peeved at the chivalrous offer of a rush hour seat.
The other night, I was approached at a party by a flamboyant friend of a friend. Hands on hips, he loudly demanded- Are you pregnant? (The last word got four syllables all on its own.) And yeah, sure. I’m six months along. I’m either having a child or smuggling the watermelon off of the fruit platter. Both very real possibilities. But I’m glad I got to answer in the affirmative, since immediately after his outburst you could’ve heard a pin drop. Better to set the stage for the fifteen pairs of eyes now glued to my stomach.
Listen, most pregnant women enjoy talking [commiserating/complaining/glowing] about their respective pregnancies. They will bring it up in conversation. If and when that happens, maybe have a line or two ready? Something about how you were going to guess that they were a month less along? (Regardless of how many weeks along she is. If she says she just hit three months, tell her that she looks just like your sister at three weeks.) She’ll love it. And all will be well.
As long as you don’t bring up the topic of baby names.
Image: Keely Flynn
